


If You Wished to Be Loved - Love

by marytalouise



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 04:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marytalouise/pseuds/marytalouise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although all they do is fight, Jean has been in love with Eren since freshman year. Armin has fallen for Jean, and becomes his confidant. Can both find love, perhaps with each other?</p><p>-- On Hiatus Until Further Notice --</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lunchtime Blues

Jean sat down at one of the cafeteria tables, greeting each of his classmates without really paying attention to their replies. No, the thing that captivated Jean’s attention was the couple on the other side of the room.

Eren Jaeger and Levi Rivaille were Shiganshina High School’s power couple. Levi, a senior, was the brightest, fittest and scariest high school student this town had seen in years but everyone admired him from afar. His black hair shone in cafeteria’s fluorescent lights and his smooth skin looked paler than usual. Gray eyes became soft, and Jean didn’t blame him once he saw where they were looking; right at Eren’s face.

Eren was a sophomore, the same as Jean. What he lacked in ability he made up for in determination, and he was never below tenth in overall class rank. When Eren and Jean had first met, Eren’s hot-headedness had made Jean’s own blood boil and they fought like crazy.

_Jean accidently bumped into someone’s shoulder and he raised his head to apologize. His caramel colored eyes met sea green ones and he froze._

_“Watch where you’re going,” the guy in front of him muttered. Jean vaguely remembered seeing this guy’s face in one of his classes and he tried desperately to recall the name._

_“Ah! Eren, right?” The boy, Eren, nodded._

_“I’m Jean,” he declared as he held out his hand for a handshake._

_Eren just glanced between the hand and Jean’s face, a smirk appearing on his lips. “Pleasure,” he murmured without raising his hand. He turned and called out behind him, “Like I said, watch where you’re going.”_

_Jean felt annoyed and he glared at the thin form in front of him._

Now, he couldn’t even remember the insult that started it all, but somehow during all of their stupid fights and even stupider pranks, Jean had fallen in love. By the time he realized it, it was too late and Levi had taken an interest in Eren.

Now there they were; making eyes at each other and smiling as if they were the only two in the world. Jean mentally cursed Levi for making Eren fall so easily, and Jean was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one.

Next to Jean, Mikasa Ackerman was also staring at the couple with eyes cool as glaciers. Jean kept a discreet eye on the couple for the first half of lunch, when Levi got up, kissed Eren and exited the cafeteria.

As Eren got up to move, Jean recalled the first time he and Eren had a heart-to-heart talk after the death of Eren’s parents.

_Jean entered the cemetery with flowers in his hand to visit the grave of his uncle, Mike. He’d passed away two years ago that day and Jean had missed him every second since. Many had thought him weird, but he’d always had advice for Jean when he needed it, and shelter when he couldn’t stand his home life._

_Jean sat down in front of the grave and he talked to Mike about his life._

_“It’s almost he end of freshman year, Uncle. I can’t be sure, but I think I like a guy. He’s really hot-headed, stubborn and persistent. He’s also really caring underneath all that, but he’s already got someone special to him and it isn’t me.” Jean paused, drawing a deep breath. “I miss you, Uncle Mike. I need your advice. What would you have done?”_

_Jean let the question hang in the air, and he sat in the following silence for a few more moments before he stood. He stuck his hand in his pockets and began to make his way to the exit when he saw Eren sitting at a pair of headstones._

_Jean hesitated, guessing who he was visiting and wondering if he should make his way over. He glanced at Eren’s face which was tilted up to the sky, turquoise eyes wide and unblinking._

_Jean made his decision and walked over to sit next to Eren. Eren glanced at him in surprise as Jean greeted Carla and Grisha Jaeger._

_“What are you doing here?” Eren asked quietly._

_Jean smiled gently. “I was visiting my uncle. He died two years ago, and I really miss him.” Jean mirrored Eren’s previous pose and lifted his face to the sky but he closed his eyes instead._

_When he opened his eyes, he saw a gentle smile on Eren’s face that he’d never seen before.”I was talking to my mom,” he murmured. “About Levi, about how I wished she could meet him, about how I wished she was still here.” Jean’s heart contracted painfully, but intuition told him to stay quiet._

_“You know,” Eren whispered, seeming to forget Jean was even there, “my mom was always the one to help people. Do you know how my parents died?” Eren didn’t wait for an answer, and instead continued. “They were on their way home from a party and they saw an accident on the highway. Nobody was stopping, but they did stop. They got the family of three out of the car, but a drunk driver swerved into them before they could get out of the road.” Eren’s voice had become even quieter and Jean saw a tear fall from Eren’s left eye. “I miss them,” he choked out and suddenly he broke down._

_Without thinking, Jean wrapped Eren up in a hug. At first, Eren’s body stiffened but soon relaxed as silent sobs shook his body. That was the first time Jean thought “I want to protect him, protect the person I love.”_

They hadn’t talked about that time since it happened, but they fought less frequently although still a lot. Jean watched as Eren made his way to the table Jean sat at along with Connie, Sasha, Armin and Mikasa. Eren sat down next to Jean, on the side Mikasa wasn’t sitting on, and greeted everyone.

“What,” Connie taunted, “you’re gracing us with your presence today? Where’d your boyfriend run off to?”

Eren grabbed one of Jean’s fries and threw it lightly at Connie, smiling playfully. “He had a student council meeting.” Most people had been surprised that Levi was the President of the student body, but he really was looked up to even if he scared some people. Jean sighed, another thing to hate about Levi.

Jean snorted. “You didn’t follow him like a puppy? Are you feeling okay?”

Eren’s eyes narrowed at Jean, and he growled, “Stay out of it horse-face.”

Jean threw one of his fries at Eren. “You can’t blame me for making fun of you – you make it way too easy.”

“Tch, like hell I can’t blame you,” he muttered. Eren stood abruptly and turned to leave.

“It’s not like you to drop it so easily, are you okay?”

Eren turned back, smiling gently. “Levi scolded me for fighting with my friends so often, so I’m trying to be calmer. Later.” Eren waved and left.

Jean sighed and hung his head in his hands. That answer had actually made him feel worse than the fighting did. He pushed his food away, and glanced up to see Armin’s bright blue eyes watching him. He was the brightest freshman, and a good friend of Eren’s and Mikasa’s, so he was allowed to sit with the sophomores.

Jean froze at the pitying look he was getting, and breathed a sigh of relief as the bell rang to go to sixth period.

His last thought before entering math was, “Well, shit. He knows.”


	2. Conversation

Although Armin was only a freshman, his influence was on par with that of an administrator; his perspicacious attitude and advancement in classes basically gave Armin free rule during the school day. Teacher's were told not to play favorites, but no one at Shiganshina really listened to that rule, with the exception of the principle himself, Erwin Smith, and even he gave Armin leeway.

This somewhat explained how Armin had gained permission to call Jean out of class. The manipulative side of Armin knew that Jean was struggling in pre-calculus, and had explained to Erwin that Armin had volunteered to be Jean's new tutor. Already finished with much of the high school level math curriculum, the plan had been approved of without much hassle and Armin now sat in the school's library awaiting Jean's arrival.

As Jean walked through the doors, Armin watched an array of expressions fly across Jean's face: first shock, then embarrassment, then anger at which his expression stayed.

"What is this?" Jean hissed quietly - they were in a library after all. "I thought I was getting tutoring."

Armin motioned to the Pre-Calculus textbook on the table. "You are. I'm your tutor."

Jean couldn't stop the snort that followed the statement. "You? You're just a freshman, you couldn't possibly tutor me."

Armin's light blue eyes narrowed as he gazed coolly at Jean, reminding him of glaciers. "I'm halfway through the senior math course, Calculus 2. I'm passing with an A. So tell me again, who can't tutor you?"

Armin watched as Jean swallowed hard and sat down as if in defeat. "Very well. How did this happen anyway?"

Armin shrugged. "Beats me," he lied smoothly as he opened the book to Jean's current chapter. Jean appeared to get focused, and at first all seemed to be going well.

However, halfway through Armin's lesson on logarithms, exponentials and their relations, Jean threw his hands in the air and groaned.

"Forget it, Armin. I can't focus at all," Jean muttered.

Armin glanced up from his book to stare at Jean. "Is something bothering you?"

Jean glared at Armin. "Like you don't already know, I saw the look you were giving me at lunch. " Jean's voice lowered as he mused aloud, "Though I suppose that makes you the best person to talk to about it."

Armin bit his cheek to keep a small smile from escaping; this is what he had been waiting for. Admittedly, he hadn't thought Jean would be so up front about it so soon, but perhaps the strain of his and Eren's relationship was causing him to be a bit thoughtless.

Armin set down his pencil and tilted his head to rest on a fisted hand. "I'm all ears," he smiled a gentle and, what he hoped was, inviting smile.

Jean's eyes widened slightly, but he nodded and started talking.

He went into the first time that he'd ever met Eren, as well as when he realized he loved Eren.

Armin listened to the second tale carefully, surprised and a little hurt that his childhood friend hadn't told him of the occurrence. Although, when Armin thought about it, Eren had been going through a really rough time and probably hadn't put it on his list of important events. Jean mentioned how they hadn't talked about it sense then, and a little part of Armin wondered if Eren remembered the event through the haze of grief that surely covered that time period in his life.

Jean sighed, bringing Armin’s attention back to the conversation at hand.

“I just don’t know what to do,” Jean continued. “All we ever seem to do is fight, but if it’s possible I want to end that. I want to have a normal friendship with him.” Jean went silent for a moment before muttering, “It’s just that every time I think of him with Levi I get so annoyed.”

Armin laughed, even though he didn’t find it funny at all; he knew exactly what Jean was feeling. “It’s called jealousy, Jean.”

“Tch. Me, jealous? No way, I’m not that kind of guy, at least I don’t think I am.”

Armin shrugged. “Maybe not normally, but I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché ‘love makes you do stupid things.’ One of those stupid things could be suddenly feeling jealous.”

Jean leaned back in his chair, balancing it on the back legs as he thought about Armin’s reasoning. “I guess that’s true, but how do I get rid of it?”

“Fall in love with someone else, someone who won’t make you jealous,” Armin murmured seriously.

Jean laughed without humor. “As if it would be that easy; if I could just magically fall out of love with Eren and into love with someone else, I would have done so.”

Armin bit his tongue on the questions he really wanted to ask: _Who would you choose, if not Eren? Would you consider me?_ Instead Armin nodded to show his understanding. “I get what you’re saying, but you _are_ the one who asked, you know? Jealousy is an emotion, and emotions are tricky. Controlling them is near impossible.”

Jean lifted his hand to rub the back of his neck. “That’s not really what I’m wanting to hear.”

Armin gazed at Jean, eyes serious. “I won’t tell you what you _want_ to hear, Jean. I’ll tell you what you _need_ to hear, that’s just the kind of person I am.”

They spent the few remaining minutes of that class period talking, math textbook sitting forgotten on the table.

Jean’s last class of the day was a sort of study hall; he could choose to go home early or stay and work on schoolwork. Most days Jean chose to leave, and today was no exception.

On a whim, Jean decided to go for a walk in the local park. Due to it being a weekday, and most people still being in school, the park was mostly deserted.

It was a beautiful day; the sun was high in the sky but a slight chill in the air kept the temperature from getting too hot and the red and gold leaves covering the trees casted everything in a warm glow. The pond in the middle of the park was calm with the exception of ripples caused from falling leaves. However, Jean’s mind was too preoccupied with other thoughts to really appreciate the beauty of the scenery around him.

His mind kept going back and forth between thinking about Eren and thinking about the conversation he’d had with Armin earlier. It had been nice to tell someone everything he’d wanted to say, without holding back or worrying about what they were thinking.

Jean came across a bench, and he sat down with a sigh. When had his life become so tiresome?

 _When you had to start hiding your feelings,_ a tiny voice whispered from the back of his mind, which sounded strangely similar to Armin’s voice.

Jean smirked at the thought. Who knew the freshman was a super genius? Jean had heard Eren mention him a few times as his childhood friend, but being the brash person he was, Jean had assumed that Armin was just as hot blooded as Eren was. On the contrary, Armin seemed to be an extremely level-headed teenager, more adult than child. Jean wondered idly whether or not his and Eren’s fighting seemed childish to Armin but he quickly disregarded the thought. It didn’t matter what it seemed like to Armin because he really had nothing to do with it.

Armin had told Jean after their “tutoring” session that it was going to become an everyday thing. Jean wondered if Armin was going to continue being his confidant, or if they would forget about it all tomorrow as had happened with Eren and the incident at the cemetery.

As Jean looked around him, he slowly started to appreciate the beauty around him and he let his mind empty, focusing on nothing in particular.

After about thirty minutes, Jean saw more and more people moving through the park and decided to head home. It only took about fifteen minutes to walk to, and Jean was glad that he didn’t see anyone he knew. Although Jean was a normally outgoing person, he’d been feeling introverted lately, preferring to mull over his thoughts rather than engage in conversation. The only time he’d been able to do both was when he’d talked to Armin… _Armin, again?_ Jean mused. _Why is he coming up so much in my head?_ Jean shook his head a few times to dislodge the thoughts of Armin, and it seemed to work.

When Jean wasn’t specifically focusing on something else, his mind would wander back to Eren. What was he doing? Was he visiting his parents or spending time with Levi at a shop? Was he struggling with homework or getting help from Mikasa as Jean had gotten help from Armin? An endless amount of questions ran through his head, and although Jean sometimes liked to imagine the answers, most times he preferred to focus his mind on some other activity. By the time Jean exhausted every possibility to keep his mind distracted, he himself usually became exhausted.

After Jean had eaten his dinner and finished his homework, he took a shower and got ready for bed. Too exhausted to think properly, Jean climbed into bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's going fairly slow right now, but next chapter if things go as I have them planned right now, things should start picking up!  
> Comments/constructive criticism is always welcome!


	3. Progressive Setbacks

Jean woke up late the next morning and left the house later than usual, rushing to get to school on time. As he came to the second-to-last crosswalk before the school, he recognized a familiar head of blond hair already waiting there.

“Armin?” he called out, voice laced with surprise.

The blond head turned to look back at the sound of his voice and Jean saw that it was, indeed, Armin.

Armin smiled brightly, blue eyes shining in the early morning sunlight. He wore a light blue sweater vest over a white button-up shirt with quarter sleeves and tan slacks, giving off a slightly preppy air. Jean remembered that he had worn something similar yesterday and made a mental note to ask him why he dressed so nicely when he didn’t have to; the school codes didn’t demand it or anything.

Armin’s soft but cheerful voice interrupted Jean’s thoughts as he murmured, “Good morning, Jean.”

“Good morning,” Jean replied, less cheerfully. Armin seemed like the kind of person who enjoyed mornings, but Jean wondered if it didn’t have something to do with the almost comically-huge coffee cup in his hand (he couldn’t understand for the life of him why anyone would really love mornings; a person could always use more sleep).

A smirk must have appeared on Jean’s face because Armin narrowed his eyes slightly and glanced down at his outfit analytically. “What are you smirking at?” he asked somewhat worriedly, somewhat annoyed.

The red hand flashing across the street changed into the white stickman, and the beeping for those with sight problems began so Jean answered as they walked across the street.

“It’s nothing, really… I was just noticing you have an awfully big coffee cup.”

Jean noticed Armin roll his eyes out of the corner of his own and as Armin answered attitude reflected slightly in his voice. “So I like coffee. Shoot me.”

Jean raised an eyebrow in surprise; normally Armin was so quiet and pleasant that even that small display of attitude shocked him. “When you get sassy like that, I can almost understand how you and Eren could be best friends.”

Armin glanced at him warily as they crossed the last street before the school, both of them ignoring the red hand flashing at them since the street was devoid of cars. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jean shrugged. “It’s nothing bad, it’s just that your personality and Eren’s personality’s are so different, it’s hard to imagine how a friendship like you guys seem to have could happen.”

They were passing by the park Jean liked to go to after school and he stared at it as Armin replied. The trees looked thin against the rising sun and Jean hugged himself slightly as a slight chill ghosted through the air. The park looked empty but peaceful, several squirrels unhurriedly roaming the grass inside.

Armin let a breath escape his mouth in a huff. “Our friendship is less about our personalities match up and more about the circumstances surrounding our childhood and the bond that resulted from those circumstances. It’s probably also accurate to say that it’s _because_ of Eren’s personality we’re even friends now.”

Jean turned away from the captivating scenery to glance at Armin questioningly. He wasn’t sure what Armin was saying and he admitted as much. “What do you mean?”

Armin shrugged; his blue eyes un-focusing slightly as he recalled the memories. “Well, when Eren was a kid, before Mikasa came around, Eren and I were the only kids our age in our neighborhood. The older boys around liked to pick on us, though never while we were together. One time Eren came across me getting picked on by some of them and he decided to intervene; Eren could barely fight better than I could, but he stood up to those kids anyways.” Here Armin stopped to smile softly and for some reason Jean couldn’t fathom, the fondness in that smile made his heart beat faster and Jean wished to himself that Armin would smile like that just a little more.

“Whatever Eren lacked in skill, which was a lot,” he continued, tone slightly warm, “he made up for in determination and he actually managed to get in a few good hits on the older boys before an adult caught the fight and the other boys ran off. It was almost funny, except for the fact that Eren had gotten hit as well...”

They entered the school grounds and stopped near the branching of the pathway; Jean and Armin were in different wings, on opposite sides of the school but Jean wanted to hear the rest of Armin’s explanation/story.

“After that, we kind of just stuck together for various reasons; he was interested in travelling, like my grandfather and I. My grandfather was a traveler back in his day, so they got along well even though my grandfather’s personality is similar to mine. Also, when Eren’s parents were still alive they invited me over frequently. It caused us to form a good friendship, even though to most people,” here he gave Jean a pointed look, “our personalities seem like they would clash.”

Jean nodded, finally understanding. He had had a similar friendship with Marco, his best friend that had moved away a few years ago. They still Skyped every now and then and it reminded him that he should probably plan a video chat with him soon.

Armin murmured a goodbye, breaking those thoughts off, and turned to go back to the freshman wing when Jean, on an impulse, called after him, “Let’s sit together at lunch today, okay?”

Armin turned to beam back at him and held up his hand in the ‘thumbs-up’ position.

 _That’s kind of cute,_ Jean thought idly as he smiled and finally turned as well.

The bell rang immediately after the thought crossed his mind and his focus shifted to hurrying to class.

~

Armin cursed Jean’s thoughtlessness, his racing heart, and his now-unfocused mind.

Throughout his morning, Armin had struggled to focus in class; he already had a hard enough time as it was (most of the stuff he already knew or it wasn’t hard for him to figure out), but with Jean’s lunch invitation running through his mind, though it wasn’t that big of a deal, made focusing nearly impossible.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to Armin, the bell after fourth period rang, signaling the start of lunch. Armin didn’t want to seem too eager to get to the cafeteria and took his time getting there.

He entered the crowded area and his eyes automatically made their way towards the table he usually sat at. His heart skipped a beat as he noticed Jean sitting quietly at the table, an empty seat next to him, while his other friends crowded around the table, eating and talking loudly.

As Armin approached the table, Jean spotted him and glared. “What the hell took you so long Armin?” he called out.

Armin sat down in the empty seat, smiling apologetically. “You know how it gets,” he lied smoothly. “The doors become crowded and it’s hard to get in.”

Jean raised an eyebrow, debating on whether or not to try calling Armin out on the lie but eventually he decided against it and turned to eat his food.

Armin and Jean sat through the first half of lunch talking normally with everyone else and, for Armin at least, getting used to the person beside him.

Just as Jean turned to talk to Armin specifically, Eren walked up behind them and clapped Jean on the shoulder. Jean jumped in surprise and Armin narrowed his eyes though neither of the other boys noticed.

Eren said something to Jean that caused his face to light up, and from what Eren had asked him last night, he could guess what it was.

As Eren nodded and smiled, then left, Jean turned back to Armin, face lit up with excitement. Armin felt something in his stomach drop before Jean even opened his mouth.

“Eren invited me to a concert!” Jean murmured excitedly. His face fell slightly as he continued but the smile never _really_ left his face. “Even though it’s only because Levi can’t go, I said I’d go and we’ll be going on Saturday. Isn’t that great?”

Armin nodded, fake smile plastered to his face. Jean barely noticed anything amiss when he turned yet again and started talking excitedly to the others.

_God damn it, Eren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God, I'm sorry if there's any mistakes, this was rushed as i wanted to give you guys an update.
> 
> Please let me know what you think, if you've found any errors, etc.  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
